I know you have probably heard this sentiment as many times as Trump said the elections were stolen, but I would not be doing you justice if I do not reiterate it. Becoming a dad changes you. She (the little girl) probably won’t turn you into a pillar of salt like the biblical Lot’s wife, but she will change you.

To her, you are not hulk, but a splash of green paint. You are not the not tall-ish, dark, handsome, and bearded girlfriend snatcher that you have groomed yourself to become but a minion with whiskers that she can pull and tag on. And you can’t howl when she pulls so hard on the beard because you are her superhero. And superheroes don’t cry, Hillary! The best you could do is to clench your teeth and channel that pain to your balls because that is where she came from. The damn balls! So it is only fair that the nuts get a share of the pain.

And yeah, she is a girl. Bewitchingly beautiful. You would expect her to whimper at the sound of your rumbling voice like every random girl on the street, but she won’t. She hates the sound of it. It makes her sick. She wants you to whisper. She doesn’t care whether you sound like you are hanging on a tree with a noose around your neck. Just fucking Whisper Hillary. Jeez! And you would better listen when she speaks.

And yes, like a typical Kenyan girl, she has this “nasikia sijui aje” thing going on. When she doesn’t want to be swooshed to sleep and resorts to howling in your ears and pulling on your beards, again, all you have to do is look her in the eye, and you will see it. That dreaded phrase. And it is up to you to figure out anasikia sijui aje and fix it! Otherwise, what is your role in her life?

Oh, she hates pictures. She hates people waving cheap camera phones in her face. She would choose to look at swinging curtains over taking pictures any day. She is probably aware of the toxicity on social media and doesn’t want to be a part of that shit. She didn’t ask for any of it. The last time she checked, she was just chilling, enjoying the warmth of your nuts and the next thing she remembers was you shaking her up and unceremoniously dumping her somewhere place—a new home. And for nine months, she had to get used to this new home that kept getting smaller every day. And when she was just starting to settle in-hanging her pictures on the wall and finding the right place behind the door to put the broom-she was unceremoniously evicted and told that she had a new home. And woe unto her, the new home was Kenya. And her daddy was a hideous guy who eats apples at two in the morning. She is now a loan defaulter, thanks to you. She owes China billions of dollars.

She is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. She looks like a high budget version of you. You can’t help but marvel at the thought of kicking disgruntled boys in the gut when they start hanging around your house in the name of some non-existent homework. Oh, she is so beautiful that you would want to put a tag on her face. A tag with the writing “Manufactured by Anekea Co LTD” written in bold.

You will fall in love again. Not the stupid type of love you felt when Faith planted an awkward kiss on your lip. A different kind of inexplicable love. That type of love that would keep you awake in the dead of night to keep her company because she is not sleepy anymore. And if she can’t sleep, nobody can.

And some days, when her moods are right, she will reward you with a split-second smile, and you will have the most amazing day.

Come on, spread the love